This is the lyrics of a song from LeeAnn Womack's CD my friend Jacquelynne Mankin, from Wyoming, gave me long time ago. And the other day I was home and I actually started humming it...So here it goes:

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where
those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,           
                     
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.            
                     

Dance....I hope you dance.                                      
       

Hi to you all! I know it's been a while since I last showed up, but life hasn't been easy lately and I have kept my stuff more private anyway... I just felt I had to share the reply from the e-mail I sent to Inga Muscio, the author of CUNT, with you all. After I read her book, I sent her an e-mail actually thanking her for her inspiring and empowering book and she found the time to answer back. So here it goes:

heya ana,

please forgive me for taking so long to reply to your email, and thanks so much for telling me the story of finding my book. it is probably one of the top ten stories i've heard so far, and believe me, i hear a lot.

i went onto your blog. no, my book has not been translated into spanish or portugese. i keep hammering on people about this, but they can't seem to get a move on. maybe after my next book comes out my publishers will get off their asses on this.

you know, i have been thinking about heartbreak a lot. it seems that we get all caught up in that romantic/sexual kinda heartbreak. but if you look at the hunger, poverty and violence that surrounds you, not only will you understand deep-assed heartbreak on a whole other level, but you will open yourself up to a much more profound love than is readily, generally found. so maybe spend some time and money finding ways to offer resources to some of the aborigine folks in sydney, and i can promise you, you will no longer feel heartbreak about some idiot who tells you to read some foul book.

sending warmest regards,
inga m.

Rilke in "Letters to a young poet":

THE HIGHEST FORM OF LOVE IS TO BE THE PROTECTOR OF ANOTHER PERSON'S SOLITUDE.

Got back from work, I feel a bit better. I know it is gonna hurt for quite awhile, but again what can I do?

God knows how I managed to go to work today, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. The agonising bit of it lies in the fact that I cannot come up with any plausible explanation (Maybe I am  just too bloody Cartesian). Maybe it is as simple as that: "He is just not that into you", or more like not into you at all. In search of words that could translate how I feel, the first one that came up was disappointed. How can someone be so lovely for awhile and then turn into a cold, distant person that quickly? In the name of honesty, everything apparently can be done or excused. I have such a strong moral sense though that it is hard for me to accept that there are people out there that seem not to care to the impact their actions and the consequences that may follow will have on other people's lives. I heard yesterday that "he has been badly hurt and that his self-esteem has been badly damaged once". In my eyes though, it only gives me more reason to believe you have to be extra careful in order not to make anyone go through the very same. But who cares???? Is that it? Are we trapped ina circle of pseudo certainties and certain lies? Do we, by any chance, perhaps live in an "emotional matrix"? Maybe as Baudrillard said "we take the hypothesis of the virtual as a fact and carry it over to visible fantasms. But the primary characteristic of this universe lies precisely in the inability to use categories of the real to speak about it." Is it a plausible explanation????

But anyway, I sat at work today and the shop was bloody empty. It was boring and lonely and I was just sitting there, ten minutes away to finally close it, when this cute guest guy from Brisbane that went to the shop yesterday and kept talking to me showed up. He went in and in a very sweet way started asking me about my day, asked if I was alright(my face wasn't exactly the happiest one) and so on. He introduced himself and then out of the blue offered me his phone number in case I ever go to Brisbane. Then he asked me if I'd like to have lunch with him tomorrow. Why not I thought? He is cute, he is kind and it can only do me good to be with someone that actually seems to be keen on spending time with me. But the real lesson wasn't the guy. It was like there, in front of me, to show me that there are so many guys that would love to have what Tony had. Ad maybe some will not take it for granted or be so untactful or thoughtless. What will come from it? I reckon a good friend simply because he was just there, unadvisedly offering me much more than lunch. And I thought to myself that I have no reason to cry really. After all, what am I losing? Enough now.

Met up with Tony last night. Thought it would be good to bring some sort of closure to it all. Shouldn't have though, it ended up opening so many wounds I considered healed. It's been such a shitty day. I can not stop crying and I gotta be at work soon. You just keep asking why me? Aren't you a nice person, do you deserve to get this hurt? I know it is silly, but it just happens to cross your mind and there is nothing you can do. I have given up trying to understand it all. Tony suggested me to read "He is just not that into you", how nice is that? I gotta go really. Will write more some time soon.

Last time I was here I thanked mum, my sis, Jo, but I never thanked Jeanette for all her support. Ever since I moved in with her, she has been such an incredible friend. It makes you realise that there are nice people out there, people that will be there for you when you are faced with those unexpected moments that do make you feel lost for some time. Thanks, Jeanette. You have been like a sister to me.

I think it was Costello, Peter not Elvis, that said that demography is destiny. Apparently, according to my today's horoscope "Identity is destiny. You fit easily into certain roles, but you can also decide not to play them. Don't claim to know the shape of someone's soul after a short conversation, you don't really know them." 
I love it...Every bit of it makes so much sense to me today! Silly, I know, but sooooo true!

This is for mum: Mum, thanx for all you told me! And I totally agree with you...

This is for my beloved sister, Clarissa, the person I love the most in this world: Sis, sorry to wake you up at 4:40 in the morning. But I knew that only you could listen to my cry and come up with what I needed to hear at that stage. And you always make me laugh! Thanx so much!

This is for JO GREAT IDEAS, a special girl and more than a friend: Thank you so much for being there for me last night. I had an amazing time as usual. By the end of the night I had forgotten all about it and managed to sleep like a log (I know all the wine played a role in it, but a minor one...You are great, JO!!!!!! WHIZBANG really)

After spending half an hour crafting a literary masterpiece and then losig it, I have dragged myself back to the computer for a second time....so, although it's not exactly what I wrote before I'll do my best to try and re-write the lost masterpiece ;)

As you can all see by the photo, Ana did not stray from the Brazilian tradition of wearing a new white outfit. And i wasn't the only one to tell her how stunning she looked....I'm sure you all agree.

Lasgt night was extremely special. It was a magic Sydney night, nice and warm, people everywhere and we ended up at a party in a place called Darling Point. It has an incredible view right down the middle of Sydney Harbour with the Harbour Bridge and the Opera House. The fireworks brought in the new year with a bang...they were fantastic.

If the beginning of 2005 is a sign of what this year holds, then both Ana and I are in for an amazing year. As Ana said, there must be somone up there looking after us because to have met such an incredible person who is so gorgeous, sincere, caring, intelligent and honest makes me think that I am the luckiest man on this earth. We will be updating you on our many adventures that we will be going on this year. 

Tomorrow at 4am I will be leaving beautiful Sydney Harbour to drive the family boat about 100miles up the New South wales North Coast to a place called Port Stephens. If you're interested in seeign more about it then you can visit this link.  http://www.portstephens.org.au/index1.shtml

It's so wonderful that I am able to share this family holiday with Ana, she has been welcomed into our family with open loving arms. My enture family think Ana is absoutley stunning in every single way. She is the most beautiful person inside and out that i've ever had the pleasure to meet.

Looking forward to sharing our travels and adventures with you all.

Bejiou     

I had the best New Years Eve of my life last night. Last night, when midnight came, I sat there watching the beautiful Sydney fireworks and said a silent prayer. I really felt like I had to thank someone up there for being with someone so special, so unique, someone so stunning in every way. Tony is someone I admire and I treasure in all ways: he is gorgeous to begin with, but it comes from the inside, it is impossible to be with him and not smile. He is clever and witty, he has a great sense of humour. He is caring, sensitive, thoughtful, honest and I love the fact that no matter what he always tells me what he is feeling or wants. I am very upset I never got to read  everything he just wrote(and I don't think I ll get him to write again, at least not today). Tomorrow he is taking his family's boat along with his dad to Port Stephen's. And they have invited me to join them. It is an honour actually to feel somehow "part" of his beautiful family, this is something I also have to say I love about him; his love for his family and the way they are so close.

I have to say that 2005 has already started as the best year of my life so far. I have never felt for anyone what I feel for you, Tony. And I am not afraid to say so. I also agree it is not a race, it is just wonderful to be able to take the time to get to know you better and better, to love you more and more.